Self-Care or Self-Sabotage: The Fine Line Between Netflix and Nirvana

Picture this (and if you’re like me this won’t be too hard): 

You’ve had a long day of work and/or caring for children. You’ve been doing and being all the things. Your kids are now in bed, you’ve sent that last work email and logged off for the night, and you finally settle down. You’re ready to take some time for yourself and unwind. You know you need to take care of yourself, so you decide to cozy up with a glass of wine and a few episodes of a show on Netflix. 

Or let’s say you’ve been eating really well for the last three days. You’re finally figuring out which foods really work for you and which ones don’t. Those sugar cravings are starting to fade, you’ve noticed less afternoon fatigue, your energy is better, and you even think your achy knees might be a little less sore. You’ve been doing so well and decide that you deserve a reward, some acknowledgement of your hard work, and so you stop by the store on your way home for a pint of your favorite ice cream. 

You’re doing those things in the name of self-care, but are you really nurturing yourself? Or are you just setting a booby trap for tomorrow’s hopes and goals? There isn’t one answer here – it depends on many things!

I often talk about this with clients by using the old adage of “robbing Peter to pay Paul,” except in this case, we could be robbing our future selves of energy, patience, vitality, motivation, and health.  

So does that mean we never unwind with a glass of wine and a show or treat ourselves to dessert? No. 

But we need to use our self-care radar to determine a few things: 

1. Be clear about what your bigger goals or needs are and understand how this choice does or does not support that
2. Understand why you’re doing what you’re doing 
3. Know what the desired outcome is

When we establish these things, we can then more accurately distinguish between the two: self-care and self-sabotage. 

Here’s how that might play out…

Let’s say you’ve been wanting to start exercising more, but you’re just so tired and stressed, which has been preventing you from starting that healthy habit. But you never get a moment to yourself to just be, so you’re taking some desperately needed “you time” to chill in the evening with your wine and Netflix.  

Now, let’s ask the questions: 

• Does this actually support your goal of moving your body more, having more energy, and burning off some of those stress hormones? More than likely it doesn’t, and it keeps you stuck in that cycle. 
• Are you doing this because you are trying to escape something, find more balance, etc.? Are there ways you can achieve this that better align with your goals?
• Are you hoping this is going to be restorative and help you feel more rested? Are you expecting this to alleviate symptoms of burnout, improve energy, get you closer to your goals? Or are you just looking to enjoy the moment?

Armed with those answers, you’re likely to make more informed decisions that support your needs and goals. 

There are also things you can proactively do to set yourself up for success and improve the  likelihood that you’ll choose self-care:

1. Mindful Moments – Incorporate moments of mindfulness into your daily routine. Whether it’s a few deep breaths, a short meditation, or simply savoring a cup of tea, these pauses can help you reconnect with yourself and make more intentional choices.
2. Move Your Body – Find joy in movement that energizes you. Whether it’s dancing, hiking, or practicing yoga, choose activities that leave you feeling invigorated and alive. This might be hard to do at first, especially if you’re doing more of those self-sabotaging things, but as you start choosing more self-care activities, this will become easier. 
3. Nourish Your Mind – Feed your mind with uplifting content that inspires and motivates you. Whether it’s reading a book, listening to a podcast, or engaging in meaningful conversations, surround yourself with positivity.
4. Carve out time for yourself – Maybe that time is making space for items 1,2, or 3 on this list, or maybe it’s something else completely. Whatever it is, do what you need to do to get that time, and then protect it. For me, it’s a step aerobics class that I attend twice a week and love so much. I block off my calendar, I don’t book anything else during those times, I coordinate with my spouse, and I make sure someone else is responsible for the kids. 

Even with all of this, it’s not always super clear what’s self-care and what’s self-sabotage. Sometimes it very much feels like you could argue from both sides, and sometimes you might still choose to do it even if you’ve determined it’s not actually self-care. And that’s okay! This is where we practice self-compassion and remember that perfection is overrated.  

The idea is simply that you’re able to identify the difference, be honest with yourself, be more intentional, and overall shift your actions more favorably toward self-care. Because, after all, we are the architects of our own lives, and it’s those actions that deliver us closer to our best lives.